Many people are suffering, but they are doing in incorrectly. To properly suffer, there are some requirements to make sure that you are the most miserable, most pain filled victim on the planet. If you follow these suggestions, you will have a first class miserable experience. Of course if you avoid these, you probably will be happy.
- Worst Case Scenario thinking
Whenever something happens that is unexpected or a challenge, your first thought is all of the things that will go wrong. You never respond in love and you always go into victimhood and panic. Be sure to stop breathing because that will throw you into fight or flight and you will be totally miserable. At no time are you allowed to have trust or faith. You have to assume that you will die in poverty and shame.
- Take things personally
Whatever happens in your universe, it is all about you. People are plotting to make you miserable. If someone does something you don’t like, they did it intentionally to hurt you. You must, I repeat must, assume that nothing happens in this universe without you being the target. The universe revolves around you, and God is out to get you. Be sure to forget or ignore all of the wonderful things that happen in your life, they don’t count.
- Your will be done
If you don’t get your way, then it is everyone else’s fault. Nothing ever is your fault and there is no such thing as karma. That is a lie. If people would just do what you tell them, this world would be a much better place. The fact that God may have better plans for you than you can ever imagine doesn’t cross your mind. Your way is the best and if you don’t get it then be sure to quit breathing and go into fight or flight. Misery will be yours.
- The World is Conspiring Against You
The fact that you don’t have abundance, the companion, the bank account, the house, or the life that you want is not for lack of trying. You have to spend all day in front of your computer researching all of the reasons the world hates you. You can’t find or keep a job because you carry around a bull’s eye on your back and no one is helping you. Effort and discipline are for everyone else, you deserve better.
- Life is never good enough
Just when you are so proud of buying your first used car, Bozo the Clown drives by in a new Maserati. You might as well slash the tires of your car; no one will love you in that contraption. You work hard to cook a good meal for your friends or family, and all of your friends brought take out. It is very important to always find something or someone better than you. Don’t be content or happy with what you do, always compare yourself to others.
- Never, ever, let go
Happiness is too hard; it is much easier to suffer. After all, someone hurt your feelings 30 years ago, and no matter how good it gets, you keep thinking of that event to bring you down. The more obsessive you can be about it, the more miserable you can be. The fact that everyone has these kinds of events in their life doesn’t matter. You are special and no one knows the trouble you have seen. Ignore the fact that true happiness comes after the pain and true appreciation comes when we experience these events. Gratitude is not allowed, only suffering is allowed.
- Be a hater
Misery loves company. If you are hurting, you have to make sure that everyone else is miserable too. Hold tight to the pain and do not let it go, for it will attract all kinds of victims with similar stories to keep you company. After all, nothing is better to fuel misery than a gossip session. Be sure to hate yourself while you are at it. If you dare love yourself, all of this melodrama will disappear. You can’t be miserable without melodrama.
Sober thinking is a bummer. You have to stay drunk, stoned or medicated to finely tune your misery. After all, embarrassing yourself in public is a great way to guaranty countless nights of suffering. So have another one just like the other one and hammer that self-pity to the cross. Being sober might lead you to conclude that you are responsible for your life and only you can change it. No fun in that.
- Be self-centred and ignore others
Whatever you do, don’t help, love or be compassionate to others. After all, your life sucks and no one understands. To be kind and compassionate to others will only confuse your ego and make being miserable more complicated. Saying a kind word to someone, giving encouragement, or being nice is out of the question and absolutely forbidden. You have to take all you can get out of life and never give anything to anyone else. Self-absorption is the key.
- Sit on your butt
The proper yoga position for suffering is in a sitting position and meditate on how unfair life is. Focusing on positive thoughts and the discipline to control your thoughts is way too much work. Just sit in your chair and eat Twinkies, the breakfast of losers.
- Be Right, Yes, you are right.
Do not accept anyone else’s point of view. Do not, for any reason, put on their shoes and walk a mile. Do not care what anyone else says, you are right. The best part is not only are you right, everyone else is wrong. Keep repeating to yourself “I am right and everyone else is wrong.” This way you will be sure to alienate every being on the planet and even your dog won’t like you.
- Lie Whenever Possible
Let’s be honest, truth is a slippery slope and all reality is just perception. You just can’t manipulate people if you don’t lie. Some people say you can’t lie to yourself, but if you practice enough actually you can. The bigger the lie the more miserable you will be so don’t hold back, tell a whopper. Be sure to lie to those people who trust you. When you get really good you will transit into sport lying, when you lie just for the sport of it and to see what happens. You can be sure when all of that boomerangs the misery levels will go off the charts.
- Never take responsibility
Be strong and know that it is not your fault. Life happens to you, not for you. There is no sense in contemplating your role in any situation, you are just a victims. Victims don’t have to change, they just complain. It is not your fault you were born in a dog eat dog world. So relax, life sucks and then you die.
- Have Unreasonable Expectations
Always raise the bar and never be satisfied. Never believe you are good enough because that philosophy is for losers. Be sure to beat yourself up when you wake up, during the day, and especially as you toss and turn during the night when a happy person would be grateful. If you don’t feel like a failure, it is really hard to perfect your misery.
- Covet, Covet, Covet
The grass is always greener on the other side. You have to gaze lustily at your neighbours’ possessions and be sure to ignore your own. After all, if you ever watered your grass it might be greener on this side. It is very important to suffering to want what you don’t have and panic at the thought of losing anything you do have. It may not be as good as the neighbours’ but it is yours. Desire is very important to fuel your misery.
- Eat poorly
In order to maintain a proper level of suffering, it is very important to eat everything that is not good for you. Fresh might make you feel better so always eat frozen processed foods loaded with preservatives. Diet sodas are very important because aspartame turns into methyl alcohol and formaldehyde, insuring that you kill your entire intestinal flora. You are what you eat, so eat like teenager on a sugar high.
James Gray Robinson,
MLL Teacher and Life Coach